


Less than Long Shots

by csaber



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Drabble Collection, Fluff, Humor, M/M, One Shot Collection
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-07
Updated: 2013-09-15
Packaged: 2017-12-04 13:45:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/711400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/csaber/pseuds/csaber
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Miscellaneous drabbles and microfic concerning Victor Shepard and Jeff Moreau. Featuring cuddling misadventures, shopping adventures, relationship advice, headgear swapping, and more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Human Courtship Patterns

**1.**

For all the swapping they did on the bed, until now things never switched around in it. This was the first time ever Victor let him play big spoon, and Joker learned a long time ago never to let opportunities go by. So he snuggled up against the larger man’s back—something he could get used to—and wrapped his arm around.

“That’s your hand on my crotch.”

“Yeah.”

A long silence before Victor sighed. It was pitch-black in the cabin, but Joker could hear a smile in it. “Asshole.”

He resisted every urge to give it a squeeze.

**2.**

Joker knew that face well.

He saw it all the time, like when they just dropped out of FTL and some derelict ship or uncharted planet waited beyond the _Normandy's_ forward viewports. Or in the captain's cabin, when Victor was at his desk with a bunch of EDI and Miranda's reports to go through. Or on the firing range, when Victor had a sniper rifle in his hands and a holographic target a hundred meters away in his sights. Usually Joker found that face pretty damn sexy. Here?

"They're _shirts._ "

"And they're two hundred each. I can't rush this decision."

**3.**

"Are you knowledgeable about human courtship patterns?"

Joker blinked at the question. The mobile platform was undergoing maintenance, so EDI's avatar hovered by his left instead. "What brought this up?"

"I have been reviewing my interactions with Specialist Traynor. After comparing her behavior towards me with several hundred accounts of human courtship, I have reason to believe she is 'flirting' with me. For example, she once described my voice as 'attractive.' Given your relationship—"

"Whoa. Just because Victor and I are an item doesn't mean I'm suddenly Kelly Chambers."

"Very well. I will ask Javik."

Silence.

"That was a joke."

**4.**

_Check in with Wrex. Run more simulat—_

Victor Shepard's mental checklist halted once he stepped into his cabin and found Joker sitting by his desk. Wearing his visor. A tap on its side, and the mirror-image UI shifted around.

"I have no idea how you get everything done with all the info in one eye," Joker said.

"You… didn't change any of the settings, did you?" He had spent a month re-coding the software to his exact specifications.

"Nah. Just wanted to check your _amazing, iconic_ visor out. Y'know, some of the newer crew say you go to bed wearing this thing."

He spotted a hat sitting by the computer. "They probably say the same about you with this."

It was Joker's turn to blink after Victor tugged it on. A few moments later he brought up his omni-tool and broke the silence. "Headgear swap holo?"

"Sure."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These were written to get me back into the Mass Effect-writing mindset after a long while writing other things exclusively. As of this posting I'm in the pre-writing stage of a larger fic project, a rewrite of an old Victor Shepard-verse fic called "Mass Mayhem."
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	2. More than a Replacement

_"My cabin's your cabin,"_ Shepard once told him, but the place still had the "significant other's space" feel to it. Waiting on the leather couch, Joker couldn't shake the awkwardness of being there alone. Thankfully, Shepard granted him the mercy of speed. 

He let himself recline when he heard the door open. "Hey."

"Hey yourself." Looking a bit worse for wear after the mission to Grissom, Shepard made his way down the small set of stairs. The metal case sitting on the table quickly caught his attention. "What's this?"

"I'm told you miss your old sniper rifle…"

"It's true. The Mantis feels like a downgrade from the—" Shepard narrowed his eyes. A cautious smile crept across his lips as his gaze flicked back and forth between Joker and the case. "Wait. You didn't."

Joker replied with a wider grin. "Better."

Shepard stepped forward and undid the case's latches. The long black rifle inside possessed a familiar shape, though sleeker and slimmer than the old Widow lost at Bahak. "Figured you deserved more than just a replacement. Way less recoil, a third of the heat generation, and," Joker paused for dramatic effect, "it matches your armor."

The outright ear-to-ear grin he got reminded him of how few and far between moments like these had become. The war meant that by necessity, Joker had to see far more Commander Shepard and far less Victor. "You know me too well. Thanks," Shepard said, rounding the table then plopping down on the couch. "How'd you get it?"

Joker shrugged. "Japanese, likes wearing black, digs Jacob, penchant for kleptomania?"

"I'll thank her next time I see her." Shepard's gaze drifted back to the Black Widow. "Stay the night?"

"Shiny new guns are the price of admission into your bed?"

Shepard wrapped an arm around Joker's shoulder. "I'd make an innuendo about weapons, but I figure that's more your area of expertise than mine."

Joker made a face. "Oh, come on, I have _standards_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This follows a piece of head-canon I have where Arrival was pretty much a Bag of Spilling. Kenson disposed of Shepard's high-end gear (including a heavily modified Kuwashii Visor and an M-98 Widow), so Shepard fought through the base using stolen armor and weapons.


	3. Biggest Open Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan watches James get his suspicions confirmed. ME3, Citadel DLC.

The liquor burned its way down Kaidan’s throat. His shot glass barely hit the bar when the bottle of Armali Flame come around again. No, he realized, that’s a new one. Of course Shepard would stock up on his favorite booze.

Motion at the corner of his vision. Jacob had beaten Zaeed at arm-wrestling, prompting a sharp curse from the mercenary. They locked hands again. Somewhere to Kaidan’s right Grunt was shouting down the next group of visitors. Jack barked something, so did Wrex, and Kaidan swore he heard Miranda underneath their voices. Next to him, fresh laughter upsurged at one of Cortez’s jokes. Glasses clinked. Shepard’s asari techno-dance—at least, that’s what Liara said it was—hummed throughout with its intricate bass beats.

And James’ voice cut over all of it. “I knew it!”

Kaidan took his gaze off Jacob and Zaeed’s rematch. James downed a new shot, a satisfied smirk on his face. His gaze pointed towards the windows. “I knew those two were a thing.” 

On one of the couches, Joker, with Shepard’s arm around him, gestured lazily to the bar with a empty glass in his hand. Whatever he said made Shepard and Liara laugh.

"I think the better question," Traynor said, Joker leaning his head back on Shepard’s shoulder, "is ‘who didn’t know.’”

Tali stirred her drink with a straw. “They’re not exactly news.”

"I saw it happen." Kasumi de-cloaked on the bar. "Awkward confessions and stumbling over words galore."

"Cree-py," Cortez said. With that, Kasumi vanished. 

Traynor leaned forward. “So you really didn’t know they’re the biggest open secret on the ship? You didn’t question where Joker got off to whenever—”

"He was too busy flirting with Cortez." Tali slurred out that last syllable. James and Cortez shot each other raised eyebrows.

"Hey, I had my suspicions, but—"

"Cor _te-ez_.”

"All right." Traynor turned to Kaidan. "You’ve known those two the longest. Did you see that happening back when you were going after Saren?"

On the couch, Shepard had a small, sly smile on him while Miranda and Liara chuckled. At Joker’s expense, it seemed, fromthe look on his face.

_"So. Me and Shepard. What do you think of my chances?"_ Joker had asked him once. Kaidan responded with some witty remark about fraternization that prompted the same expression he saw now.

Shepard whispered into Joker’s ear as Kaidan turned back to the bar. “Yeah. Yeah, I did.”


End file.
